Silver lining

Have you been in a desert?
Like in the middle of a desert?
I haven’t
But, I guess the feeling should be something like this
Like what I’m feeling these days
I am quite scare
I have little demons saying bad words in my ears, whispering
I have thoughts of diminished
About how everything is doom
About my catastrophic failure after all
About me going down once and again in an empty space without a bottom
I have sparkles of a horrifying future
Where there is not a place for what I am and what I love
Where I will not have the possibility to pursuit a genotype, an evolutionary history, a hummingbird
A future where there will be no funding, no partners, no collaborations, no dreams
I have visions of an unfruitful life, mine
I have visions of the end of everything, the ultimate apocalypses
That is what I see in my nightmares among my memories
I watch my self being inadequate, insufficient, useless
All those thoughts and feelings make me fragile, vulnerable, weak.

Nonetheless
I am here
Me
All me
All my muscles and my bones
All my teeth, all my blood
I am here, and this is what I am
I am a piece of carbon
A drop of a star
I am, me, my self
A long and thin thread of little bases that came together
An army of polymerases that work and work and work
A battalion of ribosomes that translate and translate and translate
Millions of membranes that control the flux of the inner self and the outside
Thousands and thousands of little tiny molecules going by and coming back
Keeping me alive, keeping me functional, making me human
A little dust of life in the vast of the infinite of everything
This is me
Here I am
And just as they keep working, translating, regulating, controlling, signaling, patrolling, together
Just as they did not give up
I won’t neither
I know my future as I describe above is unbearable
I also know that that future is just an idea, an illusion drew by my neurons given a biased selection of evidence
I know that that horrifying future is just a logical fallacy
My future, where I am really going to be
That is exactly and just what I am building every day, step by step, little by little
I have the certainty that my future is not that heartbreaking dry landscape that my brain drew
My future is what I choose:
A good and beautiful work which I love,
Some kind and loving people as friends,
A striped and short legged cat,
The opportunity to make nicer the life of others,
To teach them how to follow the intertwined streams of evolution
How to read the unstoppable knitting of life through generations
A good and soft love for every single day 
A heart that wants to beat alongside mine every night
Some one who can understand that my brain tries to trick me every second to make me believe the worst
And does not worry so much about that
Because, actually, after all, 
That some one knows
As I choose to believe
That I deserve the best.